A Soul From The Past

When I was a young Christian, I remember asking my spiritual guide if she believes in reincarnation. She told me then that no, we only get to live life once and then there’s judgment – whether a soul goes to heaven or hell.

Although, I had great respect for her and I truly believe that she is of God, somehow the answer didn’t quite ring true for me. I wanted to believe her but my heart was telling me otherwise.

For how else can you explain the lingering whispers of the past, that sense of déjà vu that tells you somehow you’ve lived a certain scene before? What do you make of the recurring dreams, so elusive and yet so familiar? Or how do you explain the instant connection you feel for a person you even haven’t met before?

At that time, I didn’t know any better myself so I let the answer go. That was 10 years ago, but now, I’m haunted by the same question again.

You see, I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling that I’ve just met this soul from my past—how many lifetimes removed I have no way of knowing. Yet somehow, certain events lead me to believe that there is a karmic debt owed -- whether on his side or mine, I do not know.

And I guess, it’s no great coincidence that at this particular point in my life, Jaime Licauco’s book “Soul mates, Karma & Reincarnation” (the only local book on this subject, I’m told) just landed on my lap. So I read it. I admit that I don’t agree completely with everything he said or wrote but, just like a crack of lightning, one line from his book struck me:

The soul never forgets.


Meet The Man From My Past
Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways.
– W. Shakespeare

The first time I saw him, I didn’t like him. He was fair of face and seemed to know it. He dressed well and strutted instead of walked. Shallow, I first thought, and so brushed him aside. But life has its own plans and I found myself thrown together with him and soon enough, we became close.

To my surprise, he had an old soul, just like what I always thought mine to be. Oh he’s vain and overly concerned with trivial things just like most guys are in this generation, but there are moments he takes me aback with his nuggets of wisdom and rare perceptions of life. I’ve seen him selfish, but I’ve also seen him kind and generous, and yes, loving. He was a rare find and I loved him.

Then one night, I dreamed about him. The details to which are blurry to me now. But the feeling remains that somehow in that dream, he laughed at me – mockingly. We seemed to be in this fight and then he told me something that seemed to scorn my pride or my vanity. And then I woke up. Weird, I thought. Weird enough that, laughingly, I told myself to forget about it.

Days, weeks passed. I couldn’t explain it but I found myself getting annoyed with his little antics. There were moments I didn’t want to talk to him just because. I wanted space from him and I didn’t know why. I didn’t relate my feelings to that dream.

Perhaps because I was feeling guilty for feeling all this without him doing anything to me, I made the extra effort to overcome it. So I was kind and caring and for a time it worked.

Then one day, he wronged me – though now thinking about it, it wasn’t really a big deal. But just the same, like a broken dam, all the bitter feelings came rushing back. I was mad and furious and so I cut off my ties with him.

I admit it was a bit severe over a little bit of something. But I couldn’t bring myself to smile at him even when his eyes told me he wants me back. I see the confusion in his eyes and a part of me cries with him. I don’t understand it myself and my heart, this time, is unusually silent.

And now, I seem to be waiting. Waiting for what exactly I don’t know. In situations like this, I’m mostly proactive and confrontational, but this time, I’m paralyzed.

Days, weeks passed. And as I wait, life goes on. Sometimes, earthly matters make me forget all about it. But there are times the feeling comes back. I don’t understand it but there’s an echo in my soul crying out—why won’t you fight for me? Don’t I matter enough that you’ve let me go? I see him wanting to give up, cluttering his life, replacing the void I’ve left behind. And I cannot help thinking -- déjà vu. It’s all so familiar. We’ve been through this before.

It’s not really that I want things back the way they were. But I seem to want him to love me enough to give back what I’ve lost to him. Does that make sense? I want him to fight his insecurities enough to show me that it matters. That I matter.

I know he’s unsure and scared but the way I see it, the ball is in his court. My gut tells me that if I cross over, pick it up and serve it first, this thing will never be resolved. I’ll always doubt and wonder and it’ll be the same cycle all over again.

Time, it seems, has gotten way from us. He’s so far now. I don’t know if we’ll meet again in this lifetime. But the karmic debt has come knocking. I guess both of us are not old enough yet to resolve it now. Perhaps in the next life… or the one after.

But I pray, let it be now and let us find a way somehow. For I really want this lifetime to be my last.