A Soul from The Past

Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways.
– W. Shakespeare

When I was a young Christian, I remember asking my spiritual guide if she believes in reincarnation. She told me then that no, we only get to live life once and then there’s judgment – whether a soul goes to heaven or hell.

Although, I had great respect for her and I believe that she is of God, somehow the answer didn’t quite ring true for me. I wanted to think she’s right but my heart was telling me otherwise.

For how else can you explain the lingering whispers of the past, that sense of déjà vu that tells you somehow you’ve lived a certain scene before? What do you make of the recurring dreams, so elusive and yet so familiar? Or how do you explain the instant connection you feel for a person you haven’t even met before?

At that time, I let the answer go. That was 10 years ago, but now, I’m haunted by the same question still.

You see, I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling that I’ve just met this soul from my past—how many lifetimes removed I have no way of knowing. Yet somehow, certain events lead me to believe that there is a karmic debt owed -- whether on his side or mine, I do not know.

The first time I saw him, I didn’t like him. He was fair of face and seemed to know it. He dressed well and strutted instead of walked. Shallow, I first thought, and so shrugged him off. But life has its own plans and I found myself thrown together with him and soon enough, we became close.

To my surprise, he has an old soul, just like what I always thought mine to be. Oh he’s vain and overly concerned with trivial things like most guys are in this generation, but there are moments he takes me aback with his nuggets of wisdom and rare perceptions of life which spark something in my own soul. I’ve seen him selfish, but I’ve also seen him kind and generous. He was a rare find and I loved him.

Then one night, I dreamed about him. The details to which are blurry to me now. But the feeling remains that somehow in that dream, he laughed at me – mockingly. He uttered words that seemed to have scorned my pride or my vanity. And then I woke up. Weird, I thought.

Days, weeks passed. I couldn’t explain it but I started getting annoyed with his little antics. There were moments I didn’t want to talk to him just because. I wanted space from him and I didn’t know why.

Then one day, we had a fight over the littlest thing. But just the same, like a broken dam, all the bitter feelings came rushing back. I was inexplicably mad and furious. He was surprisingly mean and cold. So we cut off our ties with each other.

And now, I seem to be waiting. Waiting for what exactly I don’t know. An explanation? A final fight for peace? For love to heal all wounds?

Days, weeks pass. As I wait, life goes on. Sometimes, earthly matters make me forget all about it. But there are times the feeling comes back. There’s an echo in the soul crying out— déjà vu. It’s all so familiar. We’ve been through this before.

And as I write this, I guess it’s no great coincidence that Jaime Licauco’s book “Soulmates, Karma & Reincarnation” (the only local book on this subject, I’m told) just landed on my lap. I admit I don’t completely agree with everything he wrote but, just like a crack of lightning, one line from his book strikes me:

The soul never forgets.

Time, it seems, has gotten away from us. He’s so far now. I don’t know if we’ll meet again in this lifetime. But the karmic debt has come knocking. I guess both of us have not ripened enough yet to resolve it now. Perhaps in the next life… or the one after.

But I pray, let it be now and let us find a way somehow. For after all, who knows if this lifetime were truly to be our last?


-- SunStar Weekend, June 11, 2011