Show Me The Money

You know you’ve crossed over the thin line between professional bum to adulthood when ATM no longer means “’Ay Ta ‘Ma” and coffee table talks now linger over big words such as “investment”, “credit limit” and my favorite “stocks”. And no, “stocks” doesn’t mean the chocolate chip cookies in your mother’s ref or the gazillion pairs of shoes in Payless either. Rather, “stocks”, as I’ve come to understand it, are those fascinating blocks of hope you can buy and sell online, while clinging to a financial rollercoaster overburdened by a market screaming “Show Me The Money!”

Money – it’s a big word, too. Big enough that we often get asked what it means to us or how much bigger we want it to be. It’s so big, in fact, that it’s already up there trending on Twitter along with our favorite celebrities, you know – Kris Aquino, Jennifer Aniston, Johnny Depp and, yes, Johnny Depp. Like these big stars, we just can’t get enough of it. We can’t stop talking about it, too. Every controversial, or even boring, word it says gets recorded and printed on paper. We see Money performing on TV, streaming on Facebook, even walking down the red carpet or dancing in our favorite theaters. The funny thing is – no matter how big, or even when it’s already right in front of us-- it’s still not enough. It can bare its ass or rip its shirt off, and still people would scream “Show Me The Money!”

Ah, Money. Can you really blame it if it comes and goes? Like the slippery character of my good old friend Leo in the movie “Catch Me If You Can”, Money is always on the move. The more you chase it with bright lights and flashing cameras, the faster it runs. Perhaps that’s why the Financial Wizards of the city have rounded up its long time buddies: ATM, Stocks, Bond and Investment to know where Money could possibly be hiding or go next. As a wannabe proper adult, I joined their session one lazy Saturday afternoon. And like any responsible citizen of the green-eyed online generation, I whipped out my smart phone and tweeted the conversation.

When it comes to their friend Money, these guys love to talk. I listened to them sprout the many virtues of Money over steaming lattes, cold yogurt and banana chocolate muffins in Coffee Bean. ATM, Stocks, Bond and Investment all claim the rumor to be true: Money is with them. In that case, who doesn’t want to be friends with friends of Money? Before we stress ourselves looking for Money, first, allow me to introduce you to its friends as they might just be our answer to finding it.

“Stocks” is the funny guy. It doesn’t sit still. It can fly with the Green Lantern one day then take a dip in the ocean the next, wherever the whim takes it. It’s exciting and adventurous, that’s why Money enjoys playing games with it. “Stocks” is no stranger to me, too. For a time, I played with it online. Eventually I found that just like a colicky baby, you’ll have to cuddle, research, monitor and handle it with great care to keep its energy high. With a demanding day job, I knew I had to take a break from its highs and lows. In fairness, in the brief time we spent together, it did “Show me the Money”. It might be worth playing again with one day soon.

ATM is the kind one. For as long as you register with Savings, it can show you the Money any time, 24/7. It’s all over the city, too, it’s not that difficult to find. And just like a dependable bartender, it can dispense advice and listen to your Money woes in sympathy. It’s kinda limiting though for it can only give you as much as it gets.

Bond is the quiet one. It doesn’t say much and it takes its fine time sipping coffee for as long as it pleases. It’s annoyingly smug too over the fact that Money stays in its house for long periods of time. “Show us the Money,” the coffee drinkers demand. But Bond, like James Bond, just sits there, shrugs and continues to sip coffee (though it’s really wishing for a dry martini).

Among them, Investment -being the richest- is Money’s best friend. And rightly so for it only has its best interests at heart. It doesn’t limit Money, it forces it to go out and reach its full potential. To help us all, Investment finally says, “Hey listen, the best way to see Money is just to spend time and party with us. We cannot guarantee it’ll be there all the time. Money, after all is the child of the Economies and we all know how unpredictable they are. But Money always comes back. It loves to party with us.”

“Where do you, party,” a lady in red stilettos finally asks. “Vudu? Penthouse? The Malls? I’ve been there, mind you, and all I know is that, even if we go to the party together, I keep losing Money there.”

ATM and Stocks break into peals of laughter. The overconfident Bond chuckles. Investment just smiles knowingly and says fondly, “That’s Money for you -- a tease and a heartbreaker.”

Apparently, these guys party differently. They usually hang out in any one of Investment’s houses like PruLife U.K., Manulife, Sunlife Financial, or simply The Bank. Investment boasts that these houses are well-guarded and run by professionals so Money feels safe. In rare occasions, ATM confides, Money also attends Networking parties like Unicity, Amway or Forever Living, but more often than not, it shows up too late, so networkers are easily disappointed.

Even with black coffee, I catch myself yawning at the thought. Maybe, Money is boring after all. Either that or there’s more to it than meets the eye. Who can tell?

Finally, like any die-hard tweeter, my fingers poised on the phone screen, I ask the golden question, “Any tips on how we can be friends with Money?”

Stocks: “Well, when you see Money, don’t pinch it too hard or hug it too tight. It really hates that. High and low, honey, it’s got to flow.”

ATM: “Just let it go. The more you give, the more you get. Look here, when you want a smile out of someone, what do you do? You give out your smile first, right? That’s just how it is with Money. The best way to get it is to give it away.

Bond, for the first time, takes a pause from brooding and drinking, long enough to utter two simple words: “Be patient.”

Investment, ever the practical guy, promptly brings out a long form and says with the conviction of a Nike: “Just do it! Sign up and party with us.” And then, even before the ink could dry…“Got any referrals?”

Oh well, why not? The more friends of Money, the merrier. Just retweet if you please.

-- SunStar Weekend, 02 July 2011