Letters from a Catwoman

Isn’t it amazing how cats and women could easily mirror each other-- how we sometimes purr, curl, land on our feet, or even the way we fight? Perhaps, in an alternate universe, if cats were to write and speak, their letters might even sound familiar. Such as these. Read on.

*****
Dear Mr. Apartment 3B,

Hello there. Purrrrr…

I’d like to welcome you to our humble abode. It may not pass for the grand palace of the northern front (or any front for that matter), but what it lacks in beauty and structure, it makes up for history and character. And for us fortunate to live here, that's enough to call it home.

I heard you were moving in today and I hope that the place is much to your liking. To be blunt, I do hope you’re way more charming than Apartment 3B’s previous owners. Ugh, they were just terrible—newlyweds, if you care to ask. A couple who just couldn’t keep it down. Not that I don’t understand their need to celebrate -- they just got married, duh. Or so I tell myself every time the shrieks get too much to bear. But then, did they have to do it every hour and rub it in to those who aren’t getting any? Oh well.

Anyway, I digress. I bet anyone’s better after those two so I’d like to extend my warmest welcome and hope we get along. After all, it helps to like the person you intend to borrow milk from time to time. Don’t worry, you can borrow some of mine too.

Meow,
Catwoman in the House

*****
Dear Mr. Gorgeous of Apartment 3B,

As I write, my tongue is still hanging out. I can’t seem to get it back. Not after I had my first glimpse of you. Rawrrr, you’re gorgeous! Do you know that you have the eyes of a hawk and the walk of a tiger? Oooh, so purely male. None of the salon-made nails or hair a lot of these metrosexual guys seem to sport these days, either. But I’ve got to say, your delicious butt definitely wins the asset race. Simply yum!

Wait, what’s that I smell? Is that tomato-based fish fillet? Don’t tell me you cook, too. That would just be simply too good to be true. I’ve got to see this.
…
So it’s true. I just took a peek from the narrow slit of the wall that divides us and saw you with my own two pretty eyes cooking in your kitchen. Wow. I didn’t know men like you still exist these days. I have one word for you, mister -- perfect. You simply are perfect. And I do believe I’m falling in love. Hope you notice me.

Meow,
The pretty CatWoman in the House

*****
Dear Mr. Perfect of Apartment 3B,

No day could ever be as perfect as today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the air smells great. Most importantly, you smiled at me today.

Encouraged—and yes, yes, dazzled by that smile -- I approached you and introduced myself. So we talked for awhile. It was the most stimulating 5 minutes of my life. And then, it was nice meeting me, you said. And that I had the most beautiful hair and eyes you’ve ever seen. Was that flirting, or what! You couldn’t have made me happier.

Of course I played it coy and cool. After all, it wouldn’t do to make you think I was so needy now, would it. Knowing you men, that will just scare you away. Beware though, I plan to bring out the big guns tonight. You’ll never know what hit you when we meet again for the dinner you’ve so graciously invited me to. I can’t wait.

Meow,
The sexy CatWoman in the House

*****
Dear Mr. Jerk of Apartment 3B,

How could you?! I thought we had a date. How could you forget so easily? After I bathed myself and put on fragrance just for you, you carelessly overlook me for that—that other woman!

Don’t you see that she’s perfectly unsuitable for you? Notice how thickly she uses makeup-- no doubt trying to hide the hundreds of pimples and blackheads that scatter all over her square face! Or how about the way she dresses? She might as well have gone naked. Hiss.

So what if she has a pretty smile? I’d bet she’d bore you to death with it. Take it from me, she’s not right for you! Pause. Breathe in… out. Stop reading for awhile as I count to ten. Stop reading! Breathe in… out…

Okay, okay. I understand how you might be vulnerable to a girl like that—short skirts, long legs, big boobs and all. After all, you’re just a man. I guess it’s up to me to show you better, huh? The fight isn’t over yet. Just you wait and see.

I forgive you,
The only sexy CatWoman in the House

*****
Dear Mr. Apartment 3B,

I hope by the time you read this, you have found it in your heart to forgive me—even just a little bit. Please, before you make up your mind about me, allow me to explain.

You’ve overruled my original defense—love. So I shall give you what’s left -- insanity.

For indeed, I may have gone to being more than just a little unwell. How else can you explain loving someone at first sight? Or the fact that I’ve given someone, you to be exact, the power to determine how my day turns out – good or bad depending on whether you’re kind to me or not. And how could I have shed all sense, dignity and morality just because I so want to possess you? Believe me, this hasn’t happened to me before. This does not happen to sane beings. Yet, it did to me now. Call me crazy, but if this is what love makes you, then so be it.

I admit I may have been, meow, a bit vicious. Okay, very vicious. I only meant to push her aside really, she was sitting too close. But then she had to kiss you. The blood for war went singing through my veins. You were mine damn it. I saw you first. I kept thinking how lovely it would be to scratch her back and wring her pretty neck. Before I knew it, I landed on her back with a snarl.

The rest went hazy after that. I believe there was scratching, maybe even biting. But please believe me when I say, I never meant to draw blood. Well, er, maybe I did. But not that much anyway.

I’ve never seen you so furious. And boy, were you scary. I was confused at first because I thought you’d be proud of my fighting prowess, especially when I was fighting for you. But apparently not, I realize now, particularly when the victim was your wife.

Newlyweds. Again. Sigh.

Why is it that I am always hounded by them? They never do me any good. Now I feel so stupid. I see how competing for your love may prove futile because you’ve already given your heart to another. I see now that you were kind to me, not because you liked me back, but because you are basically just that—kind. And sweet… and gentle… and sexy… stop! What am I thinking? I can’t go back there again. Not yet anyway. Erase, erase, erase.

I am so sorry that I caused you and your wife some distress. Okay, a LOT of distress. I don’t blame you for not wanting to see me. So to ease your pain a little, I am leaving for awhile. Well, I don’t really have that much choice after you had me evicted from my beloved apartment of 7 years now, do I? I just hope that with time and space, you’d learn to forgive me and smile at me again the next time we cross paths.

And believe me, we will cross paths. For even though you cast me so easily aside just like this, my love is strong enough for both of us. I understand that you don’t see or welcome that now because you’re clouded by the intoxicating romance of young love. But it will fade. It always does. I’ve seen this pattern time and again. Why do you think your predecessors in that apartment no longer live there? They had one big messy annulment that’s why.

And when your time comes for that, I’ll be there, waiting to comfort you in my arms. You’ll see her for the shrew that she is and realize that no woman could ever be as loyal as I and love you the way that I can. Yes, she may have won the battle but the war is far from over.

For now, I’ll leave you to your peace. A wise woman knows when to fight and when to retreat. But this I promise you, I shall return.

Oh, parting is such sweet sorrow.

Always yours,
The CatWoman who’s no longer in the House

P.S. I didn’t know the view from the roof could be so awesome. The stars make me think of you, sweet prince.


--SunStar Weekend, 04 December 2010