he’s just Not that into you

While in Ozamiz, Ann gave me a book to help me pass the time while I wait for her to finish doing her rounds in the city. As soon as I saw the selection, I groaned. Ain’t life a bitch? As if I wasn’t already depressed enough. But I do believe books come to you for a reason. And since this one nudged its way particularly at this point in my life, I put aside Keats for the moment, and read it.

The book “he’s just not that into you” by greg behrendt and liz luccillo, consultant and writer of the hit and multi-awarded HBO series, Sex and the City, is perhaps the most painful, realistic yet enlightening book I’ve ever read in my life.

I had chest pains all the while I was reading it at a coffee shop all afternoon. And the cute waiter must have seen it all in my face, too, for he kindly kept giving me iced glasses of water while I was there.

The truth is not always pretty, but here let me just lay this down for me – and perhaps for you too-- so I’ll (or we’ll) never have to wonder again.

Hey girl, listen and listen well. Greg, a man, knows what he’s talking about when he says:

1. He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.

2. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you. Men know how to use the phone. If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. (Ouch.)

3. He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you. “Hanging out” is not dating. In the book, 100% of the guys polled said “a fear of intimacy” has never stopped them from getting into a relationship. One guy even remarked, “Fear of intimacy is an urban myth”.

4. He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you. When men like you, they want to touch you, always.

5. He’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone else. There’s never going to be a good excuse for cheating.

6. He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.

7. He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you. Love cures commitment-phobia. Just remember this -- every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage or has “issues” with marriage will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you. Because he’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married. He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you. (Ouch!)

8. He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you. “I don’t want to go out with you” means just that.

9. He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you. Sometimes, you have to get closure all by yourself. (Aaarrggh)

10. He’s just not that into you if he’s married (and other insane variations of being unavailable). If you’re not able to love freely, it’s not really love.

11. He’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully or a really big freak. If you really love someone, you want to do things to make that person happy.

The truth does hurt, doesn’t it? Sometimes, we just need it spelled out for us to finally acknowledge what we’ve known all along.

It’s not that easy to admit that the guys you’ve dated and liked are just not that into you. I’m guilty too of making excuses. I let myself be confused when actually there’s nothing to be confused about. It’s become so painfully clear that it’s not really men or my relationships that are complicated… it’s me who’s making things complicated.

Take it from the man who says it as it is: “When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you, and when it’s time to have sex, he’s more than overjoyed to oblige. Men are not complicated, although we’d like you to think we are…We are driven by sex, although we’d like to pretend otherwise… And sadly (and most embarrassingly) we would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, ‘You’re not the one.’”

And there goes the bitter flavor of humble pie down my throat.

“Don’t waste the pretty,” Greg says.

Still, call me naïve, but I don’t see how you can really stop love when you feel love, even when it’s for a guy who’s really not that into you. Love after all is love. It should come freely and with no strings attached. When you feel it, you show it and say it. Something that beautiful should never be hidden nor go undeclared. I think it’s just sad to kill love once you feel it since it comes so rarely.

But I understand now how the guy who’s not that into you -- though you love him -- could never be THE ONE – no matter how much you believe you can change him. For The One will always be someone who will love you equally back. You don’t have to ask The One to stick by you and prioritize you in his life – he just does.

Well, maybe there’s love, and then there’s Love. Maybe love will just die naturally – eventually-- when the object of your affection is not really that into you. At least, I hope so.

My faith, I admit, is a bit shaky right now. But yeah, I still believe that in order to grow and be happy in love, we all need and deserve to be with The One.

Oh God, I so need a hug right now.