Hello, Pain

I didn't realize that for 28 years, I have been living and seeing life through rose-colored glasses. Until recently, when all too suddenly, pain bullied its way into my life. knocked down by a circumstance purely beyond my control, i had no choice (or maybe not enough strength is more apt) but to roll over and get to know real pain for the first time in my life.

i don't claim to have lived my life before on a bed of thornless roses. growing up in a troubled generation, i have had my share of fears, uncertainties, upsets, disappointments and a depression that comes and goes. but then, i realize, you never fully get what pain is all about until you experience the terrifying pain of losing someone you've loved completely and unconditionally.

for this time, the pain is simply unbelievable. so unbelievable, in fact, that you'll be amazed by it.

it's the kind of pain that strips you of all being, of pride. you forget the shame of overflowing tears in public, of breaking down in front of someone, of still begging for something that, deep inside you, you already know you couldn't have.

it's the kind of pain that does not let you sleep for about 3 days. and when you finally submit to the exhaustion, it wakes you up at dawn with its bitter cold. day after day after day, it does not leave you. and you begin to develop the fear of waking up because you know it's just there waiting to pounce with its claws and sharp ice. it's just so, so cold that every 5 AM thereafter, you call up the mother you've barely talked with for months or barely even shared your secrets to because you know, as her child, she'll never drive you away.

it's the kind of pain that drives away hunger. in a twisted way, you'll be amazed at how simple it is to diet, really, when you're in pain. even japanese food begins to taste like paper. you're afraid to eat because you know you'll just vomit it all up again. so for days, you live on water and coffee and whatever your sister feeds you that you simply don't have the energy to ward off. but you take it in bits and pieces because you are just so, so afraid even that you'll lose.

it's the kind of pain that lets you cry nonstop. for the first time in my life, i realize there is such a thing as non-stop crying, that it's not just another dramatic theory for the books. it comes with just about 15-30 minute intervals i guess. you know you have to stop for the sake of those around you who care and who hurt with you. but you just can't because it just flows even while writing, while watching your little nephew play, while pitifully trying to joke with someone, even in sleep... it just flows. and you feel like bursting if you didn’t let it flow. so you cry and cry and you begin to wonder for real if it will ever stop. they all tell you it will. but day after day, you prove them wrong. will it ever really stop? i'm still counting the days...

it's the kind of pain that hurts so much you collapse on the floor with it, wrapping yourself tight into a ball to not let it in but only to discover it's already inside you, eating away your cells. you look into the mirror and you wonder how your skin could remain so smooth and intact when inside, you're burning up. save for this cold, cold ball of fear in your stomach. fear of not seeing the one you love again. fear of always missing him. fear of being lost without him forever. you hurt so much that you just want to scratch and squeeze your arms to manifest the pain physically. you can actually feel the blood drain from your head and hear your heart stop beating from time to time. your chest feels like being squeezed so hard by some invisible force. it hurts so much to breathe that you don't... so it hurts even more. so then you grasp for air -- slowly so as not to break the fragile air path, and surely, so you don't die that way. but then, it starts all over, and this time, you begin wishing for death and the blessed relief that comes with it.

with this kind of pain, you lose all strength. you don't dare to wear high heels to work because your knees are not strong enough. you don't ride the bus alone since you know you could collapse any time. you dont even try to stop the tears anymore coz you're just so, so tired. and when the tears momentarily stops, you feel numb. You welcome the numbness coz it's better than the heat. you just sit there and stare off into space. or pray for sleep. or dream of death.

a friend of mine said one could get addicted to the pain. and i could understand how. some days, you think maybe, if you just hurt enough, suffer enough, it will bring him back. but it never does. and that's another hurt you have to face and live with everyday. that sometimes, you just have to suffer the pain for nothing.

people say you should just forget about him. you want to and you ask how? when he's there in every little thing you do. if you could just stop the flood of memories, you would. but you live through each of them anyway and suffer for it.

they say, this too shall pass. and you eagerly ask when exactly? for how long? weeks? months? years? and nobody really knows.

they say, you've got to learn to let go. And so you try. because you know you need to get better. some days, you believe you are. that i can write about all of this now gives me hope. but then just when you think you're okay, it hits you back and you fall again. And you wonder if there will ever be a next time you can crawl back up again.

some days, you wonder if you're going crazy. some days, you just want to scream the pain and not stop. some days, you wonder if you're simply cursed or being punished for a sin from long ago. some days, you actually wonder how the sun could keep on shining or the how the sea could remain so blue and beautiful when your world is so dark, when everything just seems so worthless. some days, you wonder how people could be so happy and oblivious when there is so much pain. some days you wonder, how anyone could humanly, carelessly inflict this much pain and still be ok with it. some days, you wonder how it's possible to find joy, humor, and happiness again.

some days, you rage why it has to be you who suffers when you're not the one who left, you're the one left behind. some days, you hate yourself for not being strong enough to stop clinging and longing for the love you couldn't have. and some days, you're simply amazed, that with this consuming pain, the love doesn't die with it. You wonder what the fuck is wrong with you when, after everything, you still don't hate him and you love him still. and some days, you just wonder how it's still possible, as people claim, to be able to love completely another person again.

it's the kind of pain that humbles you. because this time you know, there is nothing left in you. there is nothing left to fight and to give anymore. so you just surrender to the pain. you discover your weakness, you're not that strong after all. and in this moment of darkness, you acknowledge the fact that you can't do it all alone. and in humility, you pray and surrender to Him your nothingness. you pray for faith, for healing, for trust that somehow, despite your disbelief, there is deliverance, there is hope. that life could be beautiful again.

you pray that you'll never have to hurt someone in the same way, because you know just how searing and deep the hurt goes.

and then you pray for love. because you need it to forgive yourself and the people who hurt you. because you realize that life is not worth living without it. because you realize you won't ever find joy if you have no more love in you to give.

some moments, you believe. but most of the time, you just hurt so much and lose the faith.

i can feel the change in me. i don't think anyone could ever go through this kind of pain and remain unchanged. but if it's for better or worse, i don't know yet.

perhaps, someday.

someday.