WANTED: A Man in 2005

I give up. I surrender. You win.

Today, I give you -- my nosy comrades, family, ex/future work pals and even those I do not personally know who are unfortunate enough to stumble upon this blog – the great commission for 2005 to go out into the world and find me a man. Yes, I said it – a man.

After what must have been a gazillion get-togethers I’ve attended lately (and the merry season’s not even over yet), I find that I’ve reached my breaking point. If I hear one more ayin-how’s-your-love-life-or-why-on-earth-are-you-still-single kind of question, I’m bound to go ballistic and slice off somebody’s head.

That’s why, my dear friends, before I disgrace myself, I now announce my formal resignation as presiding queen of the Blessedly Single Forever Federation - Cebu Chapter on December 31, 2004. (Do I hear clapping? Hissing? Snarling?) It breaks my heart, you know. It’s been such a blissful reign. To my single fellows, I am deeply sorry.

Okay, okay, call me a traitor, a political butterfly, or even ahas -- but guys, can I really help it if I’m weak?

I’m tired – and not just about that seemingly perpetual question smug couples just looove to ram down the singles’ throats.

I’m tired of being the third wheel you call on to give your dating life a twist. Come on guys, if the relationship's really that boring, drop it. Hello?? Hallerr? Balleeeww?

I’m tired of being the backup plan and the substitute when your men or women are off to never, never land.

It frustrates me that every time you do PDA and then turn to me as if to say “Aren’t we the cutest couple ever?”, I can’t do anything else but fake a smile and gag secretly because I don’t have anyone to smooch with and distract me. Okay, fine, it makes me jealous. You’re so hot together you make my eyes sweat.

But what really drives me to the edge is you using me as a sounding board every time you’re in the mood to whine about your partners and then, when I actually voice out my solicited advice, you reply with, “No, you don’t understaaaand, you’re single pa man guuud….” What the – waaaaahhhh!!

Enough. I give in. Go, find me my own man. You’re right. I should be attached. What on earth was I thinking to have allowed myself to be single this long?

For the entire year 2005, I give you unlimited freedom (gasp!) to be my glorified pimps – ahem – I mean, marketers/promoters/publicists/agents. Why you? Because you – my dear comrades, family, ex/future work pals and even those I do not personally know who are unfortunate enough to stumble upon this blog -- are the nosy and enlightened ones. If I do it myself, I’ll just scare the guys off away again.

So I need your help. Build me up. Research, experiment, screen, filter, match and match. Promote me. Advertise. Spread the news. Email friends, foes, everyone you know and even those you don’t. Launch a phone brigade. Whip up those cell phones, go over those lists of contacts and start talking and texting. Buy a whole page from any national or local daily (preferably SunStar though) and put out the blazing headline: WANTED: A MAN FOR SMART, AMAZING WOMAN. (Hey, I said, woman, not celfone, so wipe that image of Martin Nievera off your wandering minds)

I’m serious. In fact, finding a man is going to be number one on my list of 2005 resolutions. I’ll even wait and watch the clock strike midnight, upon which I’ll jump with the list just so the heavens will hear right and be prone to guide and help me in this quest.

The corollaries to my number 1 New Year’s resolution are:

- I promise not to use anymore excuses like, “My batt went dead; wala load; I didn’t get your text; I was in a noisy bar so I didn’t hear my phone ring” to avoid a man.

- I will quit laughing out loud every time I see/hear a man make a dumb comment or do anything moronic.

- I will be kind and continue to smile even when I find a guy long-winded and a certified show-off.

(Gasp! This is not me, stop meee!!)

- I promise to give every man with an idiotic habit a second chance.

- I will keep my appointment book open for the guys, even when there’s a truckload of writing assignments. I will not throw them dagger looks nor bite their heads off when they interrupt me while I’m writing or rehearsing for a play.

(Forgive me Lord, for my future sins and possible broken promises up ahead…)

- I will willingly leave my circle of friends whenever a cute guy asks for my company. (You perfectly understand, don’t you?)

- I will no longer skip buying Cosmo’s monthly issue so I can study, research, learn and master the many ways and secrets to being beeeyuutiful and charming all the time even if it kills me.

Really, I’ll do my best to be good. All I ask is you find me the right man.

My comrades, family, ex/future work pals and even those I do not personally know who are unfortunate enough to stumble upon this blog -- I leave the fate of my love life in your hands. I will personally hold you responsible in this quest.

So if by the end of 2005 I’m still single, I WILL BLAME YOU. That’s right, I will. And you will forever lose your right to throw the ‘ayin-how’s-your-love-life-or-why-on-earth-are-you-still-single’ question at my face again. Because if you do, I will be mean and scream without a qualm, “Shutttt upppp, just shut up, shut up…” – complete with dance steps! I will dance and sing until you have no choice but beg me to stop -- which I won’t. As such, you will then find yourselves scarred for life…nah, not just for life but forever. See how serious this is? I almost pity you, guys.

But hey, I’m excited. I have great expectations for you (finding me the right man) and for me (having the right man). I have great faith in your matchmaking abilities (don’t disappoint me!) so yes, I will expect and assume and assume. In fact, I will project to be the most assuming woman in 2005 in search of a man. Yohooo!

Meantime, let me just get out of Cebu City for a while to enjoy what’s left of the year celebrating my single blessed life in peace.

God knows, if we all have our way, I’ll sorely miss it.