The Art of War by Baby Allen

In life, we learn to pick our battles. Some things we can choose to ignore like maybe the sound of our biological clock ticking like a bomb (hey, it’s not as toxic as it seems); or the approach of the firing squad on Valentine’s Day (let them pass and wave); or even the never-ending ‘Word War’ among our leaders (just tune it out). They may be loud, yes, but important enough to affect World Peace? Not really. As Dr. Richard Carlson would say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

There are times, though, that we need to fight – for love, our passion, or whatever it is we deem worth fighting for. We might not win every battle, but when we do choose to fight, we must at least kick some ass.

When I was in kindergarten, I met my very first bully. He was one of the neighborhood “tambays” who found it amusing to taunt me with tales of “kapre”, “tikbalang” and “aswang”, which were all supposedly poised to come get me at night if I wasn’t careful. He scared me so much that it wasn’t long before I started to believe he was one of them. Just the sight of him would send me running home. One time, I was playing with my friends in broad daylight when I saw him approaching with an evil grin. Frightened out of my wits, I made a sharp turn and banged myself on the pavement. Angry, humiliated, and with two freshly skinned knees, I did what any 5-year old girl would do in my position… I launched into very loud, high-pitched, nonstop screaming. I could’ve split a coconut tree in two and wouldn’t have noticed. I was beyond myself.

I don’t know if it was the surprise or the not knowing how to shut me up before an adult came along, but the bully eventually freaked out and turned around. His retreat did it for me. I took off after him, and the rest of my playmates followed. He ran, probably thinking we intended to beat the crap out of him. Of course we couldn’t. But since then, he no longer bothered me.

That was kindergarten. As I grew older, I learned different (more “mature”, if you like) styles of fighting as well – be it mental or physical. Contrary to what fairy tales might lead us to believe, not every girl still waits for a Knight in Shining Armor. Nowadays, when a damsel is in distress, she empowers herself by going to class and learning a few skills of her own – kickboxing, wushu, kung fu, karate, even wrestling or what-have-you.

Some might even hire a coach or travel as far as Hong Kong or China to find their Yoda.

For me though, the most fascinating fighting styles I learned came from watching children. If you’ve ever tried babysitting multiple kids, you’d know what I mean. And even babies, wow (Note to DOT: I just love this word), they may not weigh much, but you’ve got to respect them for their fighting spirit.

In fact, here are a few interesting techniques I picked up from my then barely one-year-old adorable nephew Allen:

1. Study and imitate.

I was playing the monster game with baby Allen. I scrunched up my face into my most witchy and ugly countenance -- teeth bared and lips drawn back into a snarl -- fully expecting baby Allen to scamper away in fright. But did it happen? No. He just sat there staring at me for the longest time. Not even a smile or a squeal to give me a thrill. Feeling like a fool, I went back to my room. When I came out a few minutes later, there he was outside the door, roaring and scaring me off with his own monster rendition. Wow! (You can picture it, right?) I was nonplussed.

2. When you fall on your butt, stand up and try again. And again, and again, till you get it right.

3. Be resourceful, use what you have. If they trap your hands, use your feet-- or teeth for that matter.

4. Laugh when you're happy, give a hug when you're pleased, cry when you're not, and scream when you're mad. People are bound to give you what you want when they know where you stand.

5. Reach high and aim high. The rewards are usually better. Given a choice between the toy on the floor and the one on the shelf, Allen always went for the latter. It didn’t take him long to learn how to stand, isn't that great? Wow! (I know, I know—just can’t help using that word again)

6. When all else fails, scream. People will come running to help you. And after expending the energy required for that screaming marathon, you sleep better afterwards.

7. Easily forgive and forget. Nobody will pick you up if you're at war with everybody.

8. Above all, SMILE. That way, they'll never know what you're up to.


-- SunStar Weekend, 20 November 2010