Stranded

The computer clock says 9:52 P.M. And here in Earth Web, I write not because I have a hot piece brewing, but because there's really nothing else to do when you're stranded in ayala with just a coffee cup to keep you company.
 
Bummer. it's one of those rare times the rain gets to me real bad. Nah, wait, I was in this pissed- off mood way before it fell. Funny -- about 5 hours ago, I was laughing my head off with Berna and Emi. And then, all it took was a 30 minute ride from the office to ayala for my world to turn sour. I think Berna has a name for this-- hormonal imbalance. And I'm thinking she's right.
 
Five turns around the mall and i was ready to call myself depressed.
 
Was it because of an unsatisfied Dunkin' Donut craving?
 
The 30-minute wait before I could prostitute my card with the atm machine?
 
A text message that came an hour too late?
 
A phone that never rang all day?
 
A cancelled meeting? Or a would-be meeting that most probably is never going to happen?
 
Because another friend has said goodbye?
 
Or is it the painful thought of having to say goodbye to some of my best friends in a week's time?
 
Even the music here is sad. Some pop star's cooing about some love lost as another segued smoothly into some love that could never be. gawd, save me. when will they ever stop?
 
Anyway, when the world seems crashing down, a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do-- binge out and watch a movie -- alone. So I bought enough food to feed three people. And when i found myself torn between King Arthur and Mean Girls, naturally, I picked the latter so I could wallow some more and because the title suggested the possibility of some serious ass-kicking that do not require too much brain activity. And I was right. And I got more than what i bargained for -- girl power. Now i'm reminded why I love these B- movies and why they too have their merits.
 
Now, the movie's done and the rain's keeping me stranded. And inside, the hormones are back to raging after a two-hour lull.  gaaaad, i wanna scream and i don't exactly know why.
 
i so need the sea right now.
 
10:42. Still, the rain hasn't stopped.
 

He Says, I Say

Here's what he usually says and what I really want to say:

He says: Can I call you?

I say: Why do you have to ask? It's either you do or you don't. What you can or can't do is beyond me. But know this, I don't answer calls from psychos. Now, if you think you're one...

He says: Do you like ice cream?

I say: Very much

He says: Do you like watching movies?

I say: Yeah, when I can. But I like plays better and great conversations even more.

He says: Do you like flowers?

I say: Duh! Who doesn't? Love yellow or peach roses especially. But I like chocolates more. Snickers and cadbury will do fine, thank you.

He says: Ah, uhm...

I say: Oh pulleezz, can you just cut through the crap and ask me out already? I'm dying to go out with you, too.

He says: What's your dream date?

I say: Ever heard of the harana? I'm a sucker for that. And long walks... and great talk and... but i like it better when my date uses a bit more imagination. So don't ask me.

He says: What if...

I say: What if what?

He says: Somebody invites you to go camping...

I say: You, you mean? Duh!

He says: Who'd you imagine that person to be?

I say: Please, please, don't ask me stupid questions like this

He says: I'd have taken you to this place and that but I'm totally broke

I say: When are you ever going to learn that where we go don't really matter to me as long as I'm with you? You make me feel good. That's enough for me. Why do you always assume that I'm an expensive girl? I hate that. I really hate that. I may take to comfort whenever I can, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the rough side of life. I went to UP, remember? Besides, I'm not that shallow.

He says: I'm afraid of you. You make me nervous. That's why it took me so long to talk to you...

I say: That's sad. And insulting. Especially when I was really looking forward to getting to know you, too. By assuming the worst, you just denied me that privilege. But you're not the first one to say that anyway. Look, am I really that scary? That's totally, totally depressing.

He says: I wanted to ... but I figured you wouldn't..

I say: Please don't assume my feelings or my thoughts for me. I hate that. If you'd care to ask, I'd gladly tell you where I stand. Who gave you the right to read my mind anyway?

He says: You have a great smile. I like you

I say: Thank you. That's so kilig. Now I can't stop smiling. But don't linger on compliments please. They make me nervous. Just write them, so I can take it with me and grin foolishly when I'm alone already.

He says: Do I have a chance?

I say: Be specific-- a chance at what? Spell it out for me so I won't get too assuming.

He says: Do you like me?

I say: Please define "like" as you mean it

He says: Like, as in, bf potential. Do I have a shot at being special to you?

I say: You're asking me that when we're not even officially dating yet? Bwahahaha. Talk about sigurista. But thank you anyway by going ahead and directly asking me that. It gives me a chance to say that yes, I do like you. And given time, you may be even more special.

But let me tell you this-- I'm terrible with commitments. I tend to suffocate when I'm tied. So don't be surprised when I run from you when you get too serious. Don't fall in love with me for even though I like you very much, I'm not ready for that yet. And now that you know and realize that I'm not worth the trouble, I'll perfectly understand if you want to step back. But please, before you go, give it to me straight. For if you leave me hanging, I'm bound to curse you till the end of time.

Forest Camp -- Surviving the River of Life

In Valencia, Negros Oriental, a 20-minute drive from Dumaguete City, lies Forest Camp -- the camp that rocks! -- literally.

Wild, so green, and almost untamed -- it's the closest place I've come to a natural wonder. Even now, I still can't get the grand musical chorus of the crickets and cicadas off my head.

The place, owned by the Vicuñas, has two private cottages good for two -- though each can actually house 4-- at P1000 + 100/extra pax for 24 hours. It also has a couple of tree houses and public cottages for daytime use which come at a cheaper rate. But if you don't stay overnight though, each person has to pay the P60 entrance fee. One also has the option to go for tents when all else are occupied.

For food, everyone goes to Mommy Bobba's (or sounds like it) garden restaurant. If not, it's either walk outside the camp to the nearest carenderia (about at least 30 minutes away on foot with total darkness in between) or hunt for your food in the forest. The restaurant charges the usual rates -- about P100 to 150 per main viand. But the taste? You can't help thinking that you can do better in your own kitchen. And yeah, it's best to order 2 hours before or the wait will drive you mad.

Forest Camp boasts of a fishing pond, a hanging bridge, two man-made pools with fresh water coming directly from the river, a large expanse of greenery for games and horse back riding I suppose (though all i saw then was a wooden horse), the main attraction which we call "the rocky river of life", and most of all -- no signal! (yeah, that's a great thing)

We can hear the water from the cottage. And all around you are trees-- I've never seen so many, and yes, all the icky, icky, icky animals and insects that go with it. But the thing with forests, I found out, is that when you let yourself go and commune with nature, it readily welcomes you into its arms and soothes your soul. It makes it easy for you to blend in. Makes you forget all about the bugs or the bats on the trees. At least, we saw no snakes.

Now let's talk about the water. Man, as in wow! I don't really know exactly what you call it-- river, brook, or whatever. Here, I think we call it sapa. Remember those scenes from the Tagalog movies where women gather to wash their clothes with a large palo-palo on hand? Well, it looks like that minus the women.

We wanted to go to the source, but it seemed really endless. A bit farther away, there was no trail, so we had to take the sapa. What's more, you have to navigate through the rocks and current that's determined to sweep you off your feet bringing you way, way down. Had to take off my slippers. Felt like a gymnast hopping through those rocks. Getting from one to the other was like grasping a dream one at a time. Gives you a new kind of high altogether. Along the way, KJ's cam went under, MD fell on all fours and her butt twice, the gushing water almost took my slipper, and B slipped and hurt his toes, his knees, his shoulders, his head...

And the water was so, so cold. Imagine swimming in ice-- be it day time or night. So you have to keep moving. And holding on to a rock or each other or be thrown down river. But the little springs or little waterfalls were pure heaven-- Body & Sole has nothing to it. The way they massage your back really scares all stress and tension away.

In the morning, we were all sore. From the hangover or the beating of the water, I can't say exactly. Some of us had bruises and felt like soldiers surviving the war. And I guess, despite the way my arms feel numb right now, that was exactly what I needed to clear my head.

Forest Camp may not be Boracay but it has a wild beauty of its own that punches your senses and goes straight to your heart.

One time, we were just there sitting on that large rock mid-river, not talking and just watching the water splash by, listening to forest music and it was just so, so beautiful. I just felt so blessed realizing how beautiful this country really is.

At this point, I can't say that the camp is ready yet for the foreign tourists (except perhaps for the few of them who can take it rough). Forest Camp has to upgrade its amenities first to be able to meet the demand. But I believe that the charm of the camp lies in the very fact that few people have yet discovered it. Commercialism has not spoiled its natural beauty. And I hope they keep it that way.

But with the way Mrs. Vicuña talked of adding cottages and other development plans, I doubt that it will be long before more and more people come. Perhaps they'll be able to preserve its natural beauty, perhaps not. I'm just thankful that I got to experience it first before it gets too crowded.

If you haven't, you should go ahead and try it too. At these times when practically all people are itching to get out of the country, it pays to go back to our roots and rediscover how awesome it really is after all.

And oh, when you do, please say hi to the deaf-mute-blind cat, the noisy geese, the half-green and half-brown big lizard, the clueless fishes, the bats, the frogs, the countless insects, and the cicadas and crickets for me. Normally, I'd hate them. But during my stay, they blissfully left me alone and I love them for that.

Writers' Circle, Session 2

Where: The Boulevard, Dumaguete City
When: July 11, 2004, around 10 PM
Theme: MorBED Scene

My piece:

**********

The Sun & Moon

I am but a small island
Unconquered for a thousand years
A lush prize perchance
For Columbus and Magellan
Were it not for the jealous guard
Of the raging seas

Then one day you come
Shipwrecked and half-dead
Torn between pity and dread
I draw you to my bosom
And lick your gaping wounds
Once wet then dry

Slowly, your senses awaken
Trembling, pulsating,
You stretch out to grab your spear
Made hot by the scorching sun

Then you let your eyes wander
And was struck by my untamed beauty
I feel them rest upon me
Not with gratitude but desire

I hear the answering whistle
Of the sleeping volcano not far away
For once, I let the trees fall
I spread my legs
And you wasted no time to explore

Up you go to my highest peaks
The verdant forests where you had your fill
Of my tropical fruits so ripe and fresh

With your dangling spear
You traverse to the valley
And come upon the cave
Where I hide the jewel of the sun

Prompted by greed, you suck it
With your lance, you pierce it
With your tongue, you hide it
And with your deft hand replace it
With the teardrop of the moon

Oh you shouldn't have
For it drove my volcano wild to anger
Spitting fire and lava overflowing
Searing every tree and flesh
Till they turn to dust

And oh, oh, just like a man
You left me to my devastation
With nary a look, your eyes still glazed
By the glint of the sun jewel in your hand.

**********

Discussion Excerpt

MD: The title should be: Virgin Island

***

Hmm, what else? Naahh, can't think. I'm still reeling from Bryan's piece. Bwahahaha.

26 Things I've Learned After 26

In four days, I turn 18 for the 9th time. I don't know what makes it worse-- the fact that I'm a year older, that most of my family won't be here, or that I'm flat broke.

But then, being down and out when you're turning 18 again is enough to put me in a retrospective mood.

And so far, here are some of what I've gathered after 18 or so years of existence. I've learned:

1) That traveling keeps you open-minded

2) That the tide ALWAYS changes

3) That people come and go but you can't uncut family ties

4) That Internet technology is useful but overrated. Nothing beats hard work and personal relationships

5) That so many people get burned out without having ever really lived. That many people lead lives of quiet desperation. That most people whine not really because they're destitute but because they're bored and have lost the fire to fight and live.

6) That trends come and go so it's better to be comfortable in your own style

7) Not to take myself too seriously. I used to worry too much about things before I realized that most of the time, people don't really mind you. Not when they're too busy minding themselves

8) That forever is a loooong time.

9) To enjoy my own company as much as I enjoy others. To be always interested but attach myself totally to nothing and no one.

10) That there will always be people better off AND worse off than you are

11) That outward beauty spoils and adversity (read: loss, pain) builds character

12) That not everybody who offers you a drink is a waiter. So next time, take the hint!!

13) That it's not food, but a smile, that gets faster to a man's heart or to any person's heart for that matter

14) Not everyone who's bitchy to you or who gives you a cold shoulder hates you. Chances are, they're just scared and unsure. To give people a break, for after all, we're all still just struggling to live the best life we can.

15) To take my coffee black. To actually like fish and vegetables

16) That there is no such thing as true love for love is always true. If it isn't, then it's not love at all.

17) That exercise, water, and laughter are the three most inexpensive ways to a more beautiful lifestyle

18) That when you fight nature, you hurt yourself. When you fight God, you always lose.

19) It's only in the giving of the self that one finds the purest joy. You can't have joy and not love God at the same time.

20) To say "I love you" when it matters. To not hold it back or the moment will just pass you by.

21) That politics is a dirty business

22) That the best way to have something is to give it. You won't matter to people if they don't matter to you

23) Once you stop learning, you get left behind.

24) That I am beautiful no matter what they say. After all, I was fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves me.

25) Not to limit myself to one world. I know that if I do, nothing will balance me out and I'm bound to go insane.

26) That everything and this, too, shall pass.

Don't Call Me Nice

'Ayin? Well, she's... hmmm... nice.' That's it? That's all you have to say? Nice, my ass.

'Nice' is lame, so ordinary, so safe.

'Nice' is putting me in a box without you in it.

'Nice' is taking away my license to be gorgeous, a knockout, one-of-a-kind, vavavooom, amazing, and above all, bitchy -- when I want to be.

'Nice' just simply wouldn't do when I'm working my butt off to impress you, you--you-- !@#$%*#!!!

Now, I'm censoring my own writeup. I can't even lambast you properly in my very own blog. Does this mean after all that I'm actually... nice?

Eeeeeeww.

Heaven help me.

Burn for Me Baby

In one morbid moment, the topic came up -- what age do you wanna die? There were a lot of numbers thrown in-- 40, 50, ah, er, now? We all agreed though that nobody really wanna die old. Who wants to live forever anyway?

I used to think that 30 is it for me. I figured I'd work out my dream job for three years, travel around for about two, get married at 28 and die at 30. Nope, I didn't plan for kids for frankly, I fear for the next generation.

I wanted to die young because I was vain. I wanted to die young because I was frustrated about a world that's getting more dirty, deceptive and cruel with each passing year. I wanted to die young because every time I flip though the papers, turn on my tv and tune in to world events, i always find myself asking-- what's the point? And most importantly, I wanted to die young because I figured there's no place like heaven.

Now, I'm 25. And I realize that I'm missing out a very big point. That life is a gift and it's meant to be enjoyed. If we fight it and hurry too much, we miss the taste of heaven here.

I love people and through the years I've met so many already whose stories intertwine and echo out the same chords -- impatience, boredom, anger, depression. And I guess the problem really is not the world but that we've lost the fire, the passion to live.

I count myself blessed because everytime I find myself teetering on the edge, things and people drop by to inspire me in so many ways.

I burn:

* Every time I pick up my sticks and play the drums no matter if I'm the only one who can hear the music

* When I see opposites like Berna and Bongkie work out a sweet life together

* When I see Emi's idealism shine through in a world of dirty politics

* When I see KJ fight for love even though she's been broken down so many times

* When I hear Dani's life story and see for myself how she's evolved into a beautiful person

* Whenever I hook up with Ann and discuss the many places we've yet to conquer

* Because of friends like Henryl and Burp whose loyalty and sweet words never fail to amaze me

* When I picture my brother sailing with the wind in Boracay

* When I see my parents together in their little house by the sea

* Because my group of writer-friends constantly challenge me to write

* When Charlotte, Millicent, Orleyne, Lucille and a lot more across the miles keep in touch through years. They make me realize that some friendships never die.

* Everytime I celebrate with Almera the Igat the beeyutifulicious life of being a girl

* When i see Jong and Janice in their studio bringing their art to life

* With the glow of the moon

* Every time I see people like Alvin not giving up on me

* Evertime I hear Tina Arena belt out that remarkable song "Burn" -- my all time favorite

* When I see big guys like Martin brew delicious coffee and other concoctions for clueless people like me and who, most of all, manage to stay naughty, sweet and young at heart

* In those few moments my cousins and i get together to have fun and plot out how we're going to shine out in a dull world

* When I see how my yet single sister is making a beautiful life for adorable Allen

* When I think of Artist Link, talk of a school with Berna, and explore all other possibilities

* Everytime I'm driven to kiss by love

* When I look at the TCR/CAR Team -- Au, Judith, Glenn, Berna, Rizande, Paulo, Jazel -- all so bright yet so different. In moments I wanna puke from all those troubled news, these guys actually keep me going. There's a thrill knowing how far we've come together working on the same goal. They keep me sane realizing that we're on the same boat. And it's a great relief to know that when I talk of chapter 11s, defaults, the MacDonald's or gay litigation, there are people out there like them who actually understand what the hell I'm talking about. They don't make me sound so much like an alien. Sigh. I'll miss you guys! Keep it up.

* When I remember Donna and Ronald living out the life they want

* Whenever I'm in Boracay daring to try out so many firsts and holding on to my brother's promise of a kiteboarding lesson

* Whenever I read stories that inspire

* Whenever I let go and let myself love and be loved

So many things, so many people reminding me why life is worth the wait.

It's a pity -- so many of us get burned out without having ever really lived. But as what my fave author would say, our mission is really not to be without problems, but to be excited. Or should i say, inspired.

Oh, I still want to die young. But if I don't, that's okay too. Thing is, the journey is really beautiful when we just hold on to the fire.

Cheers!