HEY, DUDE (2)

Part 2: Lost in Translation

Ever feel like you need a translator when talking to a guy? Well, I do sometimes. I admit, for all my communications training, I still can't decode manspeak (well, most of it anyway). Can you? I bet a lot of us are no stranger to these baffling conversations:

The Simple Girl
She Says: So what type of girl would you like to go out with?
He Says: I want a girl who’s ‘simple’.
She says: Define please. Simple could mean “retarded”, you know.
H e says: Simple, as in, not complex
She says: Uh ok, there’s Maria, she’s easygoing enough and agreeable to most things you say.
He says: Yeah, well…
She says: Well, what?
He says: She must be easy on the eyes and know how to dress up, at least.
She says: Oh, she must be pretty and simple then
He says: And financially independent. I don’t like someone clingy. And, and… she must know how to cook
She says: Uh-huh. I sense another “and” coming…
He says: And she must be successful in her career. It’s difficult being with a woman with low self-esteem.
She says: Let me get this straight—you want a successful, intelligent, beautiful woman who can afford her own stuff and cooks for you on the side. And you’re calling her “simple”?! Dream on.

The Breakup
He says: Baby, it’s not you, it’s me.
She Says: Why, is there someone else?
He says: It’s just that, I found my soulmate, my destiny. The universe has spoken. It’s beyond my control.
She says: Soulmate? Who is this soulmate?
He says: Well, she’s 5’5” and got killer abs. She’s sports-minded like me. And oh, she knows how to cook my favorite adobo.
She says: Oh, you mean, someone you’ve always wished I would be. So it is me, you idiot.

The ‘Committed’
He says: My marriage is essentially over.
She says: You mean you and I can finally be together?
He says: Oh no. My marriage was so traumatic, I’m now afraid of commitment.
She says: So you want to stop seeing me?
He says: Not at all. Listen, I can’t offer you commitment, there’s nothing much I can give you right now. Why don’t I make it up to you by cooking you dinner at my place?
She says: Honey, in case you don’t know how to spell --“cooking” is three letters short of “commitment”.

To avoid falling through the cracks of gullibility, I finally enlisted the help of some cosmopolitan guys – let’s just call them “The Dude” -- to decode some of men's most common cryptic statements. If it were up to us girls, you see, we could attach a hundred meanings to a single statement and not be any closer to the truth. So, let’s hear it from the boys:

When He says: "My parents are having this party, and I was wondering if you'd like to come."
The Dude says: "He’s falling in love with you and wants to see how you relate to his family."

When He says: "I'd like to cook you dinner at my place."
The Dude says: "He’d like to show you what a caring, nurturing man he is so that you'll have sex with him."

When He says: "I'll have to check my schedule for next weekend."
The Dude says: “He’s waiting to see if something better comes along."

When He says: "Let's meet at the bar, I'll be there with friends."
The Dude says: “He doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea. You’re not dating.”

When He says: "I would love to be intimate with you, but I don't want it to ruin our friendship."
The Dude says: “Nope, he’s not interested to sleep with you, but since he enjoys your company, he’s letting you down gently.”

When He says: "I meant to call you this weekend, but I lost track of time."
The Dude says: “He didn’t. He just didn't feel like it.”

When He says: "Give me a call sometime."
The Dude says: “He’s not interested enough to chase you, but you can chase him if you want to.”

When He says: "My marriage is essentially over"
The Dude says: “He wants to have an affair”

When He says: "I don't know if I like her."
The Dude says: "He hasn’t slept with her yet"

When He says: "I'm afraid of commitment."
The Dude says: "He’d like to continue sleeping with you, but not if it means he has to stop seeing other women."

When He says: "I've learned a lot from you."
The Dude says: “Uh-oh, he’s thinking ‘next!'"

When He says: "I need time to think about the relationship, but I still love you"
The Dude says: "He’s tired of the relationship and looking for someone who's more of a challenge. But, still, he’ll string you along for the benefits until he finds someone else."

When He says: "We should see other people just so we know we are right for each other."
The Dude says: “He’s interested in someone else. He just doesn’t want you to feel he’s cheating on you.”

When He says, "I need some space and time for myself”
The Dude says, "The relationship is moving too fast. Or you’re smothering him. He’d rather be single.”

When He says, "I am not ready for a serious relationship"
The Dude says: “Are you kidding? Everyone wants to have a great relationship, men included. He’s just not sure yet you are what he’s looking for”

When He says: "It's not you, it's me."
The Dude says: "Believe me, it's you. He cannot handle your weird habits anymore he just does not know how to say it to your face.”

When He says "I don't believe in marriage"
The Dude says, “He’s not going to marry you…ever. He may marry someone else eventually, but not you. Either you enjoy his company for what it is or move on.”

-- SunStar Weekend, 25 September 2010

HEY, DUDE

Part One: What’s Your Label?

When you’re a single girl in the city, it seems that most things, trivial or not, are all about the “dude”. Either they just show up, we hunt them or our well-meaning “committed” friends find them and deliver them to us. Just think of the many hours we spend preparing for a date. Or the precious time we devote on the Internet decoding man-speak or stalking him on Facebook. What about the countless girl sessions singing along Beyonce, “if I were a booooy…I think I could understand…”? Funny how we always seem to be stressing ourselves trying to get over, under, or away from them. It’s exhausting, isn’t it, yet fun at the same time.

What I don’t get though is the fuss about dude labels. Why is it that people are always badgering us to define our relationship with the guys in our lives? Is it exclusive? Do you think you'll marry him? As family and friends would have it, it seems it isn’t acceptable to have an ambiguous, unlabeled relationship with any man after, say, a month.

As much as we would like to provide the proper answer, traditional labels sometimes defy current truth or reality. Especially when relationships involving men outside our family could be as fluid as the evolution of the urban dictionary these days. I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t help but wince or bite my tongue whenever I hear the word “boyfriend.”I don’t know, it just reminds me of high school puppy love or the bubblegum movies of the 80s. Not that I find any of its alternative terms any better. But for the sake of being socially correct, here’s a rundown of 10 relationship labels you might be able to relate to as defined by today’s generation.

BFF or “Best Friends Forever”

They say no heterosexual man and woman can ever be platonic friends. Either one is harboring secret feelings for the other or they’re both in denial. Be that as it may, sometimes, there is that one dude we always go to unload, make sense of all the drama in our life, or lean on after every heartbreak. “It” is not happening because you’ve been friends too long or know each other too well to realize you could easily burn the other to death if the relationship gets too hot. So for better or worse, you’re stuck in the “Friend Zone”.

FB or Friends with Benefits

You text, talk and kiss this guy. You don’t know why but you just do. Getting physically mixed up with him doesn’t mean that you are emotionally attached because you understand that while he’s there for you, he’s also just playing around. So, tit for tat.

Hanging Out or Casually Dating

This is that thing you do with your eating buddy, the co-worker who picks you up and drops you off because you’re along the way anyway, or the guy who invites you for cocktails just because he does not like people to stare when he’s out alone. You enjoy his company but know your world will not stop either if he ceases to exist.

FuBu or the Boy Toy

Sex, sex, sex. That’s all there is to it, really. Enough said.

Exclusively Dating

A term for those wanting to be politically correct without dotting their feelings on the line. He may not be dating anyone else but then, often times, exclusivity is just that and carries no deeper meaning. It doesn’t imply love and it doesn’t imply expectations. Just because he’s not seeing anyone else does not obligate him to be there for you 24/7 or spend a pre-determined amount of time with you.

M.U. for “Mutual Understanding”

For me, a delusional term (has this been phased out yet?) for people who love to assume and assume yet never talk about the real score. You like each other—you “know” it – you just don’t talk about it. No one pops the question, but there’s already an answer in the way you hold hands or cuddle with him. Whatever it is, it’s something vague, something confusing, something gray, something half-baked but nevertheless …something that will do for the moment.

It’s Complicated

Thank Friendster for popularizing and putting this label on the wall. If we were to choose just one encompassing relationship label, I bet this would be it. After all, all relationships are complicated. However, if we were to be specific about it, this mostly refers to a relationship with someone you’re seeing on the sly or sharing with someone else. You love each other but you can’t be together. Or, it could also be you’re forced to be together, but you don’t love each other. Hell yeah, it’s complicated.

In a Relationship

Another politically correct term popularized by social networks, which frankly I find rather cold. Surely, we can be more romantic than this? After all, this is what we look for, hope for, fight for all our lives. Sometimes, we have to go through a lot of crap and crazy things to get to this point. It’s love. It’s magic. It’s what makes or world spin, yet steady at the same time.

Life Partners

You live together, you share a life, but you don't have any intention of getting married. You don't even consider him your boyfriend. What you have is a very powerful relationship, such that you seem content and secure enough not to conform to tradition or labels.

Soulmates

I don’t really understand this term but apparently, the cosmos has something to do with it. Destiny kicks in. You deal with forces beyond your control. Suddenly, you’re helpless against the guy -- enough so that you’d willingly break off with anyone you’re currently involved with. Then you find yourself stuck with the guy in this life. And if fate would have it, in the next few lives even.

So there you go. Find your label? If none of the above suits you, don’t sweat it. When all else fails, we can always just go back to saying, simply, “Hey, dude.”

--SunStar Weekend, 11 September 2010