HEY, DUDE (2)

Part 2: Lost in Translation

Ever feel like you need a translator when talking to a guy? Well, I do sometimes. I admit, for all my communications training, I still can't decode manspeak (well, most of it anyway). Can you? I bet a lot of us are no stranger to these baffling conversations:

The Simple Girl
She Says: So what type of girl would you like to go out with?
He Says: I want a girl who’s ‘simple’.
She says: Define please. Simple could mean “retarded”, you know.
H e says: Simple, as in, not complex
She says: Uh ok, there’s Maria, she’s easygoing enough and agreeable to most things you say.
He says: Yeah, well…
She says: Well, what?
He says: She must be easy on the eyes and know how to dress up, at least.
She says: Oh, she must be pretty and simple then
He says: And financially independent. I don’t like someone clingy. And, and… she must know how to cook
She says: Uh-huh. I sense another “and” coming…
He says: And she must be successful in her career. It’s difficult being with a woman with low self-esteem.
She says: Let me get this straight—you want a successful, intelligent, beautiful woman who can afford her own stuff and cooks for you on the side. And you’re calling her “simple”?! Dream on.

The Breakup
He says: Baby, it’s not you, it’s me.
She Says: Why, is there someone else?
He says: It’s just that, I found my soulmate, my destiny. The universe has spoken. It’s beyond my control.
She says: Soulmate? Who is this soulmate?
He says: Well, she’s 5’5” and got killer abs. She’s sports-minded like me. And oh, she knows how to cook my favorite adobo.
She says: Oh, you mean, someone you’ve always wished I would be. So it is me, you idiot.

The ‘Committed’
He says: My marriage is essentially over.
She says: You mean you and I can finally be together?
He says: Oh no. My marriage was so traumatic, I’m now afraid of commitment.
She says: So you want to stop seeing me?
He says: Not at all. Listen, I can’t offer you commitment, there’s nothing much I can give you right now. Why don’t I make it up to you by cooking you dinner at my place?
She says: Honey, in case you don’t know how to spell --“cooking” is three letters short of “commitment”.

To avoid falling through the cracks of gullibility, I finally enlisted the help of some cosmopolitan guys – let’s just call them “The Dude” -- to decode some of men's most common cryptic statements. If it were up to us girls, you see, we could attach a hundred meanings to a single statement and not be any closer to the truth. So, let’s hear it from the boys:

When He says: "My parents are having this party, and I was wondering if you'd like to come."
The Dude says: "He’s falling in love with you and wants to see how you relate to his family."

When He says: "I'd like to cook you dinner at my place."
The Dude says: "He’d like to show you what a caring, nurturing man he is so that you'll have sex with him."

When He says: "I'll have to check my schedule for next weekend."
The Dude says: “He’s waiting to see if something better comes along."

When He says: "Let's meet at the bar, I'll be there with friends."
The Dude says: “He doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea. You’re not dating.”

When He says: "I would love to be intimate with you, but I don't want it to ruin our friendship."
The Dude says: “Nope, he’s not interested to sleep with you, but since he enjoys your company, he’s letting you down gently.”

When He says: "I meant to call you this weekend, but I lost track of time."
The Dude says: “He didn’t. He just didn't feel like it.”

When He says: "Give me a call sometime."
The Dude says: “He’s not interested enough to chase you, but you can chase him if you want to.”

When He says: "My marriage is essentially over"
The Dude says: “He wants to have an affair”

When He says: "I don't know if I like her."
The Dude says: "He hasn’t slept with her yet"

When He says: "I'm afraid of commitment."
The Dude says: "He’d like to continue sleeping with you, but not if it means he has to stop seeing other women."

When He says: "I've learned a lot from you."
The Dude says: “Uh-oh, he’s thinking ‘next!'"

When He says: "I need time to think about the relationship, but I still love you"
The Dude says: "He’s tired of the relationship and looking for someone who's more of a challenge. But, still, he’ll string you along for the benefits until he finds someone else."

When He says: "We should see other people just so we know we are right for each other."
The Dude says: “He’s interested in someone else. He just doesn’t want you to feel he’s cheating on you.”

When He says, "I need some space and time for myself”
The Dude says, "The relationship is moving too fast. Or you’re smothering him. He’d rather be single.”

When He says, "I am not ready for a serious relationship"
The Dude says: “Are you kidding? Everyone wants to have a great relationship, men included. He’s just not sure yet you are what he’s looking for”

When He says: "It's not you, it's me."
The Dude says: "Believe me, it's you. He cannot handle your weird habits anymore he just does not know how to say it to your face.”

When He says "I don't believe in marriage"
The Dude says, “He’s not going to marry you…ever. He may marry someone else eventually, but not you. Either you enjoy his company for what it is or move on.”

-- SunStar Weekend, 25 September 2010